I recently stayed at a friends house to catch up over food and wine while I am residing in London for a unknown amount of time. Being that she hadn’t gone on a date for a while she told me she and joined a dating website and had gone on unsucessful AND sucessful dates with rather attractive men. Although she wasn’t currently continuing past a 3rd date with any she did mention she had some rather steamy sex with a couple, and with the words attractive, steamy and sex my brain decided to focus a bit more instead of thinking about insane shit as normal. She showed me the website and set me up my page and hey presto I have a dating profile! I don’t know whether I have crossed the line into the world of freaks and geeks but in the slightly tweaked words of William Shatner or my preferred favourite Patrick Stewart ‘I am boldly going where I have not even considered going before…’
I am shocked at how many normal people there seems to be on this website. Baring in mind that I have only been on it for a week and just replied to my first message yesterday, maybe online dating isn’t as scary after all…
Yes that was until I realised one guy had persitantly sent me messages. Messages declaring his undying love for me. His ideas of hunting me down in London and not giving up. Sending pictures of rings I would like for our engagement and asking me to marry him in separate messages over 20 times. Ah you always get one freak. Then you get the hilarious one. I would like you to check out his profile for yourselves…
His message to my gourgeous self went along the lines of:
Hey babee yu r lookin rata sexy in ur picz if ya no wat I mean babz. If yu wer infront of me rite now i wud ripe yur cloths of and lick u up and down while i touch the ground, wave from side ta side while i get our ride, ride u in our ride quicker than the tide. Then I find yu a pillow to rest ur head, i pick u up and carry u to my bed.
it may or may not be luv but ur sexy anywayz, so will yu reply to me n let me hav my wayz?
Wow, this Chris guy is just a catch. I don’t know what swept me off my feet more the beautiful rap he sent me or those sexy shots of him on a swing in the dark smoking weed. Girls keep away because he is all mine baby!
Haven’t actually searched anything on here as I don’t have time between having sex, drinking, working and watching eastbound and down at the moment. It be the month of Christmas. So I did my first search. Obviously I chose the word fuck. Keeping it short and sweet, all that was returned to me was loads of young women moaning about bitches, their ex’s or wanting cuddles.
I dislike people also but I don’t moan about it…in a boring way. Have some fun about it spread a rumor you caught AIDS off them, or vice versa. Go to your local paper to make a proper impact on the locals. That will really sell it to them, then go traveling to clear your head for at least 8 months. That’s enough time to ruin his/her life on a temporary basis. Upon your return explain how in fact the test results were wrong but you couldn’t contact anyone due to being halfway stuck up a mountain in China. Maybe after your travels you have caught AIDS and hey presto, everyone has got used to the idea already. You can’t lose.
Stop with the ex hating. Fine he raped your mum after beating her with your dildo and it turned out she liked it. Deal with it, move on. Fuck his dad with a strap on im sure that will create a shit storm the size of Charlie Sheen’s ego.
Cuddles? Start helping out at an old folks home, once you get over the stench of piss, shit stories and rice pudding they will give you hugs. Plus when they go for their afternoon nap offer to take them to their bedrooms and get a quickie in there. It’s not necrophilia if they aren’t dead yet and not rape if they don’t care.
Or just write your sob stories in a actual diary where you can drown your memories in tears so they instantly get destroyed. This way people wont find out you dislike them and create an AIDS plan of their own, your ex wont find your blog and laugh at you, and people wont question why you’ve been doing a lot of extra shifts at the old folks home. Oh and where people like me won’t have to read your drivel if they type the word fuck in a search box ever again.